Rejoice!

So I went from being really sad to being a really grumpy. Emotional wreck week is taking it out of me.

Congratulations to everyone who made it over the hump today. Thank God I’m almost halfway there!

Blegh blegh blegh. Is anyone else feeling emotional this week? Wanna share heavy loads? Hit me up. I’m still open to pray!

It is easier to be honest about being sad, then being honestly happy. We spend so much time trying to hide our pain and our fears and in general how uncomfortable we are with ourselves that true honest happiness seems to always slip through our fingers.

God has revealed tonight how true that is for me.

I video taped myself trying to share my testimony. My intent was to be upbeat, to share my story confidently, even though I was uncomfortable. I thought I did alright, I shared what happened, although it was the basic story. Jesus came to me in a pretty mysterious way, and I shared how moved I was to want God more. I talked about what God did, how He saved my life, and what I wanted to do in the future through what God has been leading me to do.

I was shattered to watch the video over today and realize that the entire thing had been flat. It was bland and cliche and I just looked really uncomfortable. I didn’t feel like any of it was real. That’s what really shook me. I didn’t look genuine, nothing I said felt genuine as I watched it. But how could it have? I told the honest truth and what I had felt. When I said I really want to do God’s will I didn’t sound like I actually wanted to, its almost like I said whatever came to mind.

And I think I sat in shock for a good 20 minutes. Of all things I don’t think I expected to watch a video of myself and feel like I was being an utterly hokey and less than genuine Christian. Suddenly I felt like everything I had felt and learned these past couple of weeks was all a lie. My desire to do anything must have been for me and not for God. 

But God has been my crutch these past few weeks. Was all of that a lie too? Was everything all really just about me? Have I been dishonest about myself to myself? I really felt like this awful disgusting person. 

So what did I do? I cried. 

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Not gonna lie it makes me angry to have been spoken to like I was less of a Christian then someone only to find out they are eager to blend into the world and get high often, in an attempt to make amends with and impress others.

Give me grace to forgive them Father. I’m really gonna need it tonight.

I have nothing to offer. I have nothing to give. I have neither wisdom or knowledge, I am accredited no special insight to the future or other people.. it is not done by my power. I cannot love by nature. I cannot do anything good by myself. All I have is Jesus. Let Him cleanse me and fill me tonight.

I confess I have pride buried deep in my heart. These past couple of weeks my heart has been closed. I know neither the path to walk, or the steps to take. Humble me, God. Humble me! Open my ears! Open my eyes! Take me out of this self reliance, and thrust me into your love. Because I have been afraid and making my own plans, and my heart is heavy and complaints fill my heart and spew out of my lips. I need you now, Lord, cleanse me!

My brother has just returned from being out at sea for the past 9 months around Libya and Israel. Thanking God for his safe return! 

How amazing is it that I had forgotten that I can ask God for absolutely anything, and He will provide an answer. And isn’t it amazing that He wants me to ask for anything and keep on asking and asking until He answers. The hard part for us is recognizing the answer He provides and accepting it when it is not the answer we wanted or expected.

Praise God for His great, glorious, majesty. He has said He will listen and He will provide. He provides and He blesses and He loves! 

So, I got a text about an hour ago telling me that another student/graduate from my high school died this morning. My heart is broken for his family and his friends. I knew him from middle school and I remember how friendly and fun and kind he was.

If you guys would please pray for his family and his friends to help them get through these troubled times. Pray for God’s love and peace to settle over them, and that His healing settles over their souls. 

No more deaths. There will be no more deaths at this school. I pray that this death is the last one. No one else is going to die from my school.

So in case any of you have noticed, I haven’t been on a lot because I have been moving into my dorm and the past few days have been busy and exhausting. 

Any who, I’m having a blast, found a Christian group that looks like a keeper but I’m still gonna be keeping an eye out in case God wants me to move somewhere else in my walk. 

Yeah, so you all probably don’t care but i’m posting this so I can feel like I’ve said something and someone might have possible heard me. I know God has and that’s all that matters right? Right.

So. God is good. And I feel blessed and still scared at times but He will keep me in perfect peace and all will be well. I hope you all are well too! God bless you all!

I have been in between packing and spending as much time with my friends as possible.

Tomorrow on to the next great adventure, college across the state! Pray for me guys! God is so good to me! And I know He will take care of me!

I keep giving up more of myself and more love keeps pouring in! God is so good to me!

God is working in my life! And I will give it all to Him. Thank you Lord for your Love!